We have a problem where I live every spring when the runoff from out winter snowpack in the mountains raises the flows in the Boise River. When that happens the animals that take refuge along the river find their ways into the basements and yards and ponds just a few feet above the river banks.
So this year we are having problems with mink and raccoons that have taken over basements and invaded coy ponds ravaging anything in their paths.
One of my more progressive neighbors who I dearly love consulted with me over the fence and we decided to take on the varmints with a united front. We even have a slogan for our group—Make Plantation Great Again—MPGA.
My dear neighbor and I were put in charge of finding someone to attack these varmints and send them back to the river.
Several members of the informal coalition wanted to make sure that whoever we hired would dispose of the critters in a human and kind fashion. Over the course of two weeks, we hired 3 different companies to engage our common foe. All showed up in fancy uniforms in washed down trucks with tanks of anti-varmint stuff. They seemed to work very hard but the mink and the raccoons emerged from almost every battle stronger and more determined to survive. WE were invoiced and when we protested we were told if we didn’t pay out we would have a legal fight on our hands. Interestingly one of the owners of one of the companies was an attorney who was also a member of our coalition. Kind of like the IMA or IHA supporting Medicaid expansion. Come to think of it, maybe the varmints were being supported by some kind of out of State organization like SEIU via the Fairness Project. Tough to fight those out of State guys you know. Do the raccoons have a lobby in DC?
So as we continued our fight to win back our property and pursuit of happiness our prospects became more and more bleak. I was beginning to feel like General Washington at Valley Forge. Then Providence intervened. I was drinking coffee at a dinner at 5AM one morning talking to a waitress who I had known for 30 years. She told me that her husband could take care of those critters in less than three days. I had never met her husband but he had the reputation of being a cantankerous old goat who was very much an eccentric and an outsider.
I arranged to meet him at our home a few hours later and several members of our—we are now referring ourselves as the Plantation militia, met with him. Every other word that came out of his mouth was foul. He cursed with ease of a chief boatswain’s mate I had known on the USS Virginia Sr. Chief Cobb. Most of our coalition members were put off by his language and mannerisms. I told them about Sr. Chief Cobb and about how good a sailor he was and that all that was important was that the job get done.
So in about 3 days this guy cussed and swore his way around the neighborhood—my granddaughter Lilly learned some words her mother is going to have to explain to her very soon. I learned some words that her mother will have to explain to me very soon.
Nevertheless, by the end of the week, the varmints were nowhere to be seen. This guy got the job done at half the price without an invoice or the threat of a lawsuit.
It didn’t matter what he looked like, what his clothes looked like or that he hadn’t taken a shower for a while. His language and mannerisms were eccentric—that is being generous. Nobody wanted to socialize with this guy or even be friends with him. Was his special anti-varmint concoction called “toxic male”? If so we need more of it.
But he got the job done. He was willing to do something that nobody else was willing to do. He didn’t care what others thought of him. His mission was what mattered and he prevailed where nobody else could.
And that is precisely why I like Donald Trump.
And more and more of Americans today are grateful that we have a President who is willing to take on the status quo and fight to get rid of the varmints that have been running our government for so long.
Maybe we should look into sending this “old goat” to Washington or better yet to the State House in Boise.
